oh blogging world, how i've neglected you.
not true, actually. i started a tumblr blog too but it's not nannyish.
wow, first off on the nanny front, let me just say that three out of my four have been infected with the swine. i am PRAYING i don't get it, especially now being that i am starting a fieldwork assignment where i'll be teaching five days in the next 3 weeks. i can't skip out on any of them but if i'm sick i'd be so wary of infecting any kids! what a conundrum.
outside of nannydom, this weekend was kind of interesting... from friday to sunday i stayed at my parent's house, keeping an eye on my brother. he's thirteen so he can pretty much take care of himself, but as my mom and step-dad were away at a wedding he just didn't want to be alone overnight in an empty house. plus he needed some help delivering his papers (my LEAST favorite thing about staying at my parents house.) from sunday night to this afternoon i was dog-sitting for a friend's massive beast; she let me use her car so i dragged "the ex" out to the mall with me then treated him to dinner last night. it's still weird calling him "the ex". we're easing into "friends" i think, but there may be the possibility of total reconciliation? not sure. we spent the evening watching tv and drinking beers, and it went pretty well. it was the first time since we started hanging out again that i didn't cry. and WHY am i the one crying? i was the breaker-upper, not the breaker-uppee. oh well, who knows. i guess it's just a girl thing.
now i'm back to my regular living arrangement- the third floor of the home in which i work. latest development? i bought myself an electric teakettle (which i did not know even existed until my time in london!) and a dvd player, because the cd/dvd drive on this here powerbook has taken a shit. so i can watch a netflixed dvd OR a show on cable on the big old TV in the workout room while drinking a cup of tea i boiled the water for in my bedroom! maybe i prefer to call it "my quarters", as it sounds more victorian and romantic... i should take to calling myself a governess. (though technically i am not, as a governess is responsible for the education as well as the overall care of her charges, and my kids go to public school.) but it would be cool to cast myself as a jane eyre type.
well, it's off for tea and a bath, then preparing myself for teaching a lesson to sixth graders for my art ed. field work, then BED. and fingers crossed that the H1N1 leaves me well enough alone!
Monday, November 09, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
new routines...
it's been since the end of july that i posted.
now that i'm home (and have been since august 25) i can say with conviction that my life is completely different. and yet, at the same time, strangely unchanged.
i gave living with my family a try for about two weeks... commuting half an hour each morning to get to school and needing to keep their van well into the evening each day wasn't going to cut it once my brother started eighth grade and they would need the transportation just as much as i. i quickly decided that another living arrangement should be found. happily enough, i had a few to choose from, and i decided on the easiest, most pleasant and (definitely) cheapest- in short, i now can add "live-in" to my nanny description.
i've been staying on the third floor here at "work" for a few weeks now, and i have been thoroughly enjoying it. in addition to a very spacious and furnished room (embellished with all my various ephemera) i have sole access to a full bathroom, a workout room (you all know how often i use that, right?) and a tv with cable. i have a tiny fridge plugged in, and room for all my essentials- art supplies, sewing machine, shelves full of books. i couldn't ask for anything better. in fact, i think this is my favorite living situation thus far! well, aside from living in my friend's second story flat with the boy- i worked quite hard to make that place a home. but now the boy lives in a bedroom at another friend's house, and i live here.
because we're broken up. and have yet to see and speak with one another face to face. it's been over four months now. we talk occasionally through IM or text, but mostly we ignore? avoid? one another. it's best we rip off the band-aid, as our town is very small and we're bound to come across one another soon enough. in fact, he mentioned seeing me at the grocery store the other day but obviously that wasn't the best place for our first meeting in nearly half a year. but my schedule has been so full there hasn't been any time at all.
school takes up a great deal of my time and energy, which i love. i am so happy about being a student, and even happier that it is nearly over. i should (finally!) have my bachelors degree in may.
as for the scot, things are... well, very very muddy. the trip back to london in august didn't go quite as i'd have liked. no, that's an understatement. it was kind of a mess. but somehow i find still myself completely infatuated with him, even knowing how severe his issues are. we still email, talk on the phone... and i fully intend to buy a plane ticket to london this christmas break- he promised to take me to scotland and i want to hold him to his promise- i want to go to edinburgh for new year! but we'll see. he doesn't seem keen on the idea. oh well, he promised. plus, if it's really horrible, i can always go stay with the boy we crashed with the first time around- we've been keeping in touch as well.
being single has been really nice, so far. i do get lonely sometimes, and i certainly do find myself missing the boy. but i remind myself how toxic that relationship was in many ways and it's easier not to pine. it helps that there is someone who seems interested in me, someone i was interested in as well, even before i left. we've been spending a bit of time together, so far about an evening a week or so. i don't want it to develop into anything serious, as i've spend a third of my life in a relationship and truly need some "me time". but i don't want to stop hanging out with him, either. it's been really nice to rediscover my friends, to be able to concentrate whatever time i feel is necessary on school work, to play my guitar... all without feeling guilty that i am neglecting someone else's needs.
so lately my routine has been- school at daytime, watching my kids in the afternoon, going out and doing something with a friend, babysitting another family, or staying in and doing schoolwork at evenings, then having a snack of greek yogurt and settling in to watch peep show on youtube while falling asleep. it's certainly nothing incredibly exciting, but at the same time, it's quite comforting and nice.
now that i'm home (and have been since august 25) i can say with conviction that my life is completely different. and yet, at the same time, strangely unchanged.
i gave living with my family a try for about two weeks... commuting half an hour each morning to get to school and needing to keep their van well into the evening each day wasn't going to cut it once my brother started eighth grade and they would need the transportation just as much as i. i quickly decided that another living arrangement should be found. happily enough, i had a few to choose from, and i decided on the easiest, most pleasant and (definitely) cheapest- in short, i now can add "live-in" to my nanny description.
i've been staying on the third floor here at "work" for a few weeks now, and i have been thoroughly enjoying it. in addition to a very spacious and furnished room (embellished with all my various ephemera) i have sole access to a full bathroom, a workout room (you all know how often i use that, right?) and a tv with cable. i have a tiny fridge plugged in, and room for all my essentials- art supplies, sewing machine, shelves full of books. i couldn't ask for anything better. in fact, i think this is my favorite living situation thus far! well, aside from living in my friend's second story flat with the boy- i worked quite hard to make that place a home. but now the boy lives in a bedroom at another friend's house, and i live here.
because we're broken up. and have yet to see and speak with one another face to face. it's been over four months now. we talk occasionally through IM or text, but mostly we ignore? avoid? one another. it's best we rip off the band-aid, as our town is very small and we're bound to come across one another soon enough. in fact, he mentioned seeing me at the grocery store the other day but obviously that wasn't the best place for our first meeting in nearly half a year. but my schedule has been so full there hasn't been any time at all.
school takes up a great deal of my time and energy, which i love. i am so happy about being a student, and even happier that it is nearly over. i should (finally!) have my bachelors degree in may.
as for the scot, things are... well, very very muddy. the trip back to london in august didn't go quite as i'd have liked. no, that's an understatement. it was kind of a mess. but somehow i find still myself completely infatuated with him, even knowing how severe his issues are. we still email, talk on the phone... and i fully intend to buy a plane ticket to london this christmas break- he promised to take me to scotland and i want to hold him to his promise- i want to go to edinburgh for new year! but we'll see. he doesn't seem keen on the idea. oh well, he promised. plus, if it's really horrible, i can always go stay with the boy we crashed with the first time around- we've been keeping in touch as well.
being single has been really nice, so far. i do get lonely sometimes, and i certainly do find myself missing the boy. but i remind myself how toxic that relationship was in many ways and it's easier not to pine. it helps that there is someone who seems interested in me, someone i was interested in as well, even before i left. we've been spending a bit of time together, so far about an evening a week or so. i don't want it to develop into anything serious, as i've spend a third of my life in a relationship and truly need some "me time". but i don't want to stop hanging out with him, either. it's been really nice to rediscover my friends, to be able to concentrate whatever time i feel is necessary on school work, to play my guitar... all without feeling guilty that i am neglecting someone else's needs.
so lately my routine has been- school at daytime, watching my kids in the afternoon, going out and doing something with a friend, babysitting another family, or staying in and doing schoolwork at evenings, then having a snack of greek yogurt and settling in to watch peep show on youtube while falling asleep. it's certainly nothing incredibly exciting, but at the same time, it's quite comforting and nice.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
30. juli 2009
a sketch i started yesterday of a polaroid i took with my ex before i left. my ex. god it's so creepy to say that.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
six.
oh god. six days.
six days!
going out tonight.
tonight will fly by.
then five days.
then four.
three.
two.
one.
there.
there.
there in london.
there holding him.
him holding me.
soon.
so soon.
just waiting.
holding on.
oh man.
i can't wait.
six days!
going out tonight.
tonight will fly by.
then five days.
then four.
three.
two.
one.
there.
there.
there in london.
there holding him.
him holding me.
soon.
so soon.
just waiting.
holding on.
oh man.
i can't wait.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
my london dress
this is what i bought to wear when i get back to london, if we go on a date or something...
perfect. and only 9€ at H&M. plus, i just happened to have this cardigan which goes very nicely with it!
i'm so dissapointed not to have a pair of heels here...
i don't think i have ever loved a dress i owned this much.
perfect. and only 9€ at H&M. plus, i just happened to have this cardigan which goes very nicely with it!
i'm so dissapointed not to have a pair of heels here...
i don't think i have ever loved a dress i owned this much.
days.
twelve days and i am in london (again)
twenty days and i leave london, and him. maybe forever. maybe not.
thirty six days and this dream ends. back to reality.
it'd be an excercise in futility to attempt to recap EVERYTHING that has happened since last post.
needless to say, i am in europe. i've been to lots of cities here in germany. i've been to madrid. i've been to london.
i ended an unhappy, 7 years long relationship back home. via email.
i think i am possibly the most evil witch in the world.
it's not entirely true that it was ended by email. we sort of ambiguously ended it before i left, and allowed things to be... open.
and then i got on a plane from madrid to london and my whole life changed.
i met a scottish boy on the airplane.
we spent 4 out of my 6 nights in london together. he did things for me (like cooked me dinner) and said things to me (like that i was beautiful) that my boyfriend of seven years had rarely if ever done unless i specifically asked.
i don't know what's to come of it. like i said, i am going back in a little more than a week. maybe we'll fall in love. maybe we'll become fast friends. maybe we won't even like each other any more. whatever the case, when this fantasy comes to an end and i return to good old buffalo, new york, my life will be forever changed.
he was the catalyst for me to end a relationship that has been ending since it began.
for as much as i love my ex, and of course i still do, i *only* loved him... i wasn't IN LOVE with him. i know it is such a corny thing to say, but it is absolutely applicable in this situation. he treated me like i was his sister. there wasn't give and take, there was only give, and it was only from me. there wasn't effort on his part, only mine. any romance, any spontanaeity, it had to come from me. always.
and now... i spend four days and this boy has brought me wine and fruit in hyde park, has cooked me dinner in his flat and has taken me to an art gallery WEARING A DRESS SHIRT. yes, a shirt. that buttoned. and was tucked in. with nice shoes. ALL THIS IN FOUR DAYS!
anyway. like i said, it's all different now. when i get home, i won't be living with the person i have lived with for 4 years. won't be sleeping next to him.
i will be happy.
i hope.
twenty days and i leave london, and him. maybe forever. maybe not.
thirty six days and this dream ends. back to reality.
it'd be an excercise in futility to attempt to recap EVERYTHING that has happened since last post.
needless to say, i am in europe. i've been to lots of cities here in germany. i've been to madrid. i've been to london.
i ended an unhappy, 7 years long relationship back home. via email.
i think i am possibly the most evil witch in the world.
it's not entirely true that it was ended by email. we sort of ambiguously ended it before i left, and allowed things to be... open.
and then i got on a plane from madrid to london and my whole life changed.
i met a scottish boy on the airplane.
we spent 4 out of my 6 nights in london together. he did things for me (like cooked me dinner) and said things to me (like that i was beautiful) that my boyfriend of seven years had rarely if ever done unless i specifically asked.
i don't know what's to come of it. like i said, i am going back in a little more than a week. maybe we'll fall in love. maybe we'll become fast friends. maybe we won't even like each other any more. whatever the case, when this fantasy comes to an end and i return to good old buffalo, new york, my life will be forever changed.
he was the catalyst for me to end a relationship that has been ending since it began.
for as much as i love my ex, and of course i still do, i *only* loved him... i wasn't IN LOVE with him. i know it is such a corny thing to say, but it is absolutely applicable in this situation. he treated me like i was his sister. there wasn't give and take, there was only give, and it was only from me. there wasn't effort on his part, only mine. any romance, any spontanaeity, it had to come from me. always.
and now... i spend four days and this boy has brought me wine and fruit in hyde park, has cooked me dinner in his flat and has taken me to an art gallery WEARING A DRESS SHIRT. yes, a shirt. that buttoned. and was tucked in. with nice shoes. ALL THIS IN FOUR DAYS!
anyway. like i said, it's all different now. when i get home, i won't be living with the person i have lived with for 4 years. won't be sleeping next to him.
i will be happy.
i hope.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
the next time you say forever, i will punch you in your face.
the above is a line from a neko case song off middle cyclone that makes me giggle every time i hear it. just a quick warning- this post is not going to be well written or even particularly interesting.
so, things are INSANE right now. work is great- but soon i'll be on a TWO AND A HALF MONTH vacation/sojourn to europe. i am SO PUMPED! i have a million things swimming in my head at any given second- things i need to do for school, for the impending move, for the trip... yes, i am finishing the semester, moving into a new house AND going to europe in the span of four weeks. CRAZY. add to that the extra babysitting hours i am taking wherever i can get, the impetus to get a WHOLE bunch of work done in the apartment we live in now before moving, the mini-camping/baseball tourney weekend i'm doing with my family next weekend, and i am so totally swamped it's unbelievable.
my relationship appears to be tearing apart at the seams. i am at a loss as to what to do about that, although i'm doing everything i can... doesn't seem to be improving.
i was having this conversation with a neighbor of my work-family, and she mentioned how she looks at her life as a chapter book- some chapters are boring, some sad, some happy, some are just CRAZY... well obviously i'm on the crazy chapter and unfortunately it's preventing me from literally WRITING that chapter down!
so, things are INSANE right now. work is great- but soon i'll be on a TWO AND A HALF MONTH vacation/sojourn to europe. i am SO PUMPED! i have a million things swimming in my head at any given second- things i need to do for school, for the impending move, for the trip... yes, i am finishing the semester, moving into a new house AND going to europe in the span of four weeks. CRAZY. add to that the extra babysitting hours i am taking wherever i can get, the impetus to get a WHOLE bunch of work done in the apartment we live in now before moving, the mini-camping/baseball tourney weekend i'm doing with my family next weekend, and i am so totally swamped it's unbelievable.
my relationship appears to be tearing apart at the seams. i am at a loss as to what to do about that, although i'm doing everything i can... doesn't seem to be improving.
i was having this conversation with a neighbor of my work-family, and she mentioned how she looks at her life as a chapter book- some chapters are boring, some sad, some happy, some are just CRAZY... well obviously i'm on the crazy chapter and unfortunately it's preventing me from literally WRITING that chapter down!
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